I want to be renewed.

Hmm, first thing up. Thank you guys for those who encouraged me on my tag box. Haha. Really appreciate it. :)

Anyway, after posting it, I had these reminders of Pastor's sermon, about how the devil come to kill, steal and destroy, about how the devil actually tempt us to do other things, and then when we actually fall under temptations and other stuffs, the devil will actually start to put in all those guilt and shame and whatever thoughts and feelings that can actually put you down and can destroy your life. Come to think of it, why did I fall into that in the first place. I didn't guard my heart well enough, I wasn't strong enough, because I didn't pray enough, that's why I didn't have the strength to defend myself against the devil, I'd been relying on my own physical strength all these while, and that explains why my life feels weird.

Well, Sunday, responded to the altar call that Pastor Derek hold, it's about people who actually want to focus back on Jesus once again, where they had actually 'walked' off track before. Pastor just laid hands on everyone who responded. It's a great thing. And I just hope that after this I can really focus on the Lord again.

Anyway, Sunday's serving usher was quite a challenge, but was fun too. I was asked to serve traffic 2. Which was sort of the important position among the whole traffic marshal. Traffic 2 had to look at 3 places. The gate, the road coming down from 2nd and 3rd storey carpark, the underground park. Ahh... Was quite stressed though, but then thank God I'm able to do it. Haha. Thanks Boon Xiong for giving me to learn. Haha.

Went to look for cg after that. I want to complain. MY CG MEMBERS BULLY ME....AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH... lol. They took stupid pictures when I doze off...so sad...*sob sob* I want to change....hehe joking joking... then went to IMM with Nicholas, Wen Shun, May, Kenny. Walked around, window shopping around. Haha. Was really really tired. After bathe, went to sleep at 1215am. WOW. It was sort of the earliest time I slept for...hmmm, I started poly. Haha.. Well, got to continue lessons. Sayonara...

It's Time.

I think for me now is seriously time to do some soul-searching, and truly REPENT. Yes. Repent. Be it it's for my school or in my spiritual life. Both, or should I just say everything.

Have not been talking much about what actually happened to me to anyone, so I might just as well share down here.

MY LIFE IS IN A TOTAL CHAOS NOW. AND I TRULY MEAN CHAOS...

Why. I don't know. Even though God is still blessing me with his grace and blessings, but it still seems that my life is still in total chaos. I'm not the same me I used to be. And the worst part was that I did not change for the better...

Instead I became worse.

I mean, sometimes things may just seems too late to change, but I just hope that whatever things that I tried to do, I'm still able to make it.

I think I should be totally 'awake' after being scolded by my mum. I mean, I know that sometimes it's my fault and sometimes not, but most of the times it still involves in what I actually do, so. Hmm. I don't know. Initially after being scolded by her, all my mind can only be filled with one thing. Not hatred, not anger.

DEATH. Yes. It's the thoughts of dying and leaving this world for good.

But. Thoughts of all the things that I can't bear to part with all just came into my mind on time, and my 'thoughts of crappy stuffs' also came on time, so as to neutralize the effects of all these death thoughts. Thank God for that.

Because, just now's situation was really severe until that I already had plans of writing my final words...and if things proceed on. Well, I'll be on the headline tomorrow, with my picture lying on the ground and a pool of blood around me, and you guys won't be seeing me blogging here...This is how serious this thing is.

But to change, easier to be said than done. I need God's strength and power and support, and I do hope I can get support from anyone around me. Just anyone that I know. To motivate me to move on. Because I know, things can't keep going on like this, and if this doesn't wake me up, doesn't make me really realise what and where's my mistake, I think even if I die, nobody would even care about me.

Well, I think that's enough. I better use the time on my assignments. Adios.

Jumbling up for the past few days...

Hmm, I know I've not been blogging for the past few days...Haha. Well, here I am.

Hmm, Sunday, did not serve as it was rest week for my team, other than Jason my leader is serving. Haha. Well, finally can seat with the cg again. Haha. Fellowship around. Then gathered together to JP and celebrated KST's birthday. Haha. On the bus 242 there's this group of people making a public noise pollution. Shall not elaborate further...

Monday nothing special. Tuesday nothing too. Yesterday nothing too.

Hmm, today. CG was great. My playing...sigh...don't want to say much. Anyway. I just want to thank my angel!!!!(Hope he/she reads this, haha) Others had one drink, I have 2!! Wah, my angel is 'zai' one ok. Haha. And, he/she is clever enough to use computer-typed letter to me. Ahh...how to guess...haha, well, that's the objective though...hmm, starting to suspect a few...but can't confirm...due to this short amount of time. Hmm...shall see...wahaha...

Something's wrong...

For the past 3 weeks, I've been making the same mistake...Arrgh...I need a breakthrough......

Whew...

Wow...yesterday's cgm, first time I played for cgm...wah...I was so nervous...arrgh...played praise for cg yesterday, even though got some parts I played 'Bm' wrongly, but thank God, everything went through smoothly. Wah...was afraid that I screwed up, but still thank God I made it. Ahaha...

Anyway, gotta thank Samuel, for sacrificing his lunch break with his classmates and friends just to coach and guide me about guitar, few hours before the cgm, and also thank Gary and Xiu Wen for helping me along my first time playing...ahaha...(I sound like I'm saying speech...lol.)

Said a wrong word during testimony yesterday...arrgh...I better go eat the whole dictionary up to improve my vocabulary...arrgh...haha...lol...

Anyway, gotta listen to class...

Compressing...

Sigh...I wanted to blog this yesterday, but I didn't really got the chance to, so...it's delayed till now...haha.

Anyway, Sunday had a great deliverance service with Pastor Mike, I want thank God for setting me free, and also the person that prayed for me. My manifestation is a bit...hmm, how should I put it...hmm, I'm serving, then I'm seating at the stairs during sermon. I remember when Pastor began to pray for the people, because I'm seating at the stairs, so it's rather hard for me to open my hands because it's squeezy. So, I just bowed my head down and started to pray in tongues. Suddenly, I just began to cry uncontrollably, tears just keep flowing down...I heard people around me were praying for me, but I just can't stop, then one person just came and prayed for me. Cried even more, but after everything, really felt better. I even compared last year's and this year's deliverance, last year was kept coughing, this year was kept crying. Hmm, God really moves in a different way. :) And furthermore, the whole cg really felt the presence of God, which was good!

After service, went down to B2 to help out a little in communion tray recycling, but then asked for leaving early because thought the cg was waiting for me upstairs at lobby. When I reached lobby, they were already at BL, so sad...never mind, so I waited for Hui Tong and went together. The both of us were actually blur enough to actually went to Marina Bay when the cg was actually Marina Square... -_-!!!

Celebrated Rachel aka Mrs Zhou's birthday. Haha. She was surprised though. Took pictures at the stairs of Marina, went to the rooftop of Esplanade, had LOTS of fun, and also learnt more about the second coming of Jesus, and sang and really like mad on the evening. HAHAHA.

Monday nothing special.

Tuesday, hmm, slept for only one hour..haha. Anyway, share something down here. Yesterday while I was praying, I can't believe it, plus worship, I prayed for 40 min. Haha. To be specific, I didn't prayed, it was quiet time more than praying. Prayed for awhile for God's presence to come, suddenly, I felt some force on my chest, I just suddenly fall, and just laid on my bed for awhile. Then I continued praying for awhile before I end. Wow. Will share it with the cg this Thursday.

After school had to do CIP, so no choice gotta stay, actually thought that was the end. I saw Cheryl and Samuel from SPCCC distributing magazines, so stayed and helped them. Treating as doing things and spreading the gospel for God, even though I'm tired, but heart of a servant, is to serve. So I served. Haha. Well, shall not say any further, nothing much to say. Just gotta catch up with homework.

It isn't so bad after all...

Well, I was thinking about the whole evening, actually, with my psp not around me, it may not be as bad as it seems, at least, I have one less game temptation around me, I can concentrate better...haha...still feeling abit sick now...

I feel so recharged.

Just got back from cgm, and to be specific, it's dinner...haha, because all of us were kind of hungry, so we all went to eat. So I decided to blog, since my mum's in the toilet, and so I might as well blog before my father turns off the modem. Anyway, really glad that Thursday I'm not excused from cg to help out in expo, because today's cgm was just simply AWESOME!!

Xiu Wen say the message was to prepare us for Dr. Mike Connell's services this weekend. Indeed it was a great message. It's about dealing with emotional wounds and inner vows. Quite a number of it seems to match with my life...

After the message, Xiu Wen told everyone that the only way to release ourselves from all these is to forgive those that have hurt us. Well, the only person I just cannot seem to forgive is my father...I just don't know why, seems like I did last year, but this year, it came back again...well, so I lifted up my hands.

When Xiu Wen was going around praying, and while I was singing the song at the chorus part, tears just begin to flow uncontrollably. When Xiu Wen came to pray for me, she put one hand at the back of my neck, immediately I felt something like electric current flow through me, then when she started to pray for me, I started to weep again, the thing is when she place her hand on my forehead, few seconds later my whole body get numb!! And this lasted even Xiu Wen had finished praying for me. Wow. Power and love of God. I just feel so recharged...

But this morning a thing made me felt sad. I'm that kind of person that in the morning that when I woke up I can't find the things I want, I'll get grumpy. Well, I can't find my psp anywhere. I didn't kept it anywhere, I dozed off while playing, so I can't be the one who kept it. The problem now is, who would have taken it...it's just so ironic, yesterday I just made a decision to forgive, and now this kind of things happen. I mean, how am I suppose to forgive even though I know I'm suppose to forgive and I made the decision to forgive but now I just can't seem to forgive? (wow...long sentence..lol)

Arrgh... I just don't want to care so much now...all I know is I better look for something to eat and prepare to go to expo to help out...

Well, May tagged me yesterday, asked me to do this quiz...since I have nothing to blog about, might as well do this...lol.

Rules & Regulations of this quiz:
a) people who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
b) tag 9 people to do this quiz & thos who are tagged cannot refuse.These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people

1)If your lover betrayed you, what would be your reaction?
answer: Hmm...just break up with that person peacefully, no point making a big fuss out of it...

2)If you had 3 wishes, what will that be?
answer: (1) To be able to serve in God's Kingdom forever and be a faithful servant! :D
(2) To get my family to know God and get them saved.
(3) Improve in my music abilities...

3)To be a singer or an actor/actress?
answer: I don't mind being actor, just that I don't like memorising tai-ci, cos I have STM...singer...hmm, just improve in my singing techniques bah...haha

4)Are you afraid of what lies ahead of you?
answer: Well, I'm actually a little like 'happy-go-lucky type...but, still will be afraid and wonder at times, whatever it is, Everything is gonna be alright!

5)Would you change yourself for the person you love?
answer: I would only change for the better, if I were told to change to accomodate that person, I would only change for those that benefits the both of us, other than that I think is unnecessary.

6)Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
answer: Of course is to love someone. Haha, seeing them having a smile on the face makes my day.

7)How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
answer: I don't mind waiting, if that person is really the one I can spent my life with...

8)If the person you secretly liked is already attached, what would you do?
answer: of course wish her all the best...I don't want to be the third person in another couple's relationship...

9)Is there anything that made you unhappy these days?
answer: Erm...don't really remember, and don't want to remember, unhappy things I rather choose to forget than remember...

10)Do you get butterflies in your stomach whenever you're around the guy/girl you like?
answer: Of course I do! But it seems like I'm not really that good in hiding, sometimes it's just too obvious even though I try to hide...

11)Have you ever not been able to get someone out of your head?
answer: Hmm...yes.

12)Who are currently the MOST important people to you?
answer: Of course is my family, my Daddy God, and W143. :)

13)Do you like studying?
answer: NO WAY! But...bo bian...still must do it... sigh...

14)Are you happy with your life?
answer: Quite. With God I'm already happy. (but without study would be the best...lol, I'm just joking. :P)

15)Would you give all in a relationship?
answer: Well...I'm quite a goondoo in these things, what's give all?? Well, I think I pick yes bah...

16)If you fall in love with 2 persons simultaneously, who would you pick?the lousiest one?OR the better one?
answer: erm...if I fall in love with 2 persons simultaneously, means I'm fickle-minded...I'd rather not choose one...

17)fill in the blank.__________ makes people in relationship difficult to handle but it also makes it beautiful.
answer: Blurness... :P

18)Do you often wish there was something you could change?
answer: Of course...but...what's over is over, and I know that whatever had happened happens for a reason, so might as well accept it.

19)What do you notice when you first meet a guy/girl?
answer: erm...the answer is kind of practical though...the looks...

20)DO YOU LIKE THE OWNER OF http://www.just-the-b3ginning--maymay.blogspot.com/?answer: ZZZ...erm...yes? lol.

My question:21)If you win the lottery of 4 million dollars, what are the 3 ways that you will spent the money?
answer: (1)Give tithe
(2)Take out 1/4, keep the rest in bank.
(3)Spent that 1/4, at the same time bless people around me.

THE FINAL 9 THAT i HANDPICKED TO TAG.(order is random. Lol.)
1)Oliverchan
2)Jason Jiang
3)Serene Pok
4)Victoria
5)Shella
6)Jason Ng
7)Jason Chong
8)Yong Jing
9)Wei Liang